5.18.2023 - Vexation and Rasp

5.18.2023
Vexation and Rasp

I hate being irritable.
All this anxiety swallowing my world,
Digging my holes for me,
And leaving me to tread water,
Once the meltdown is over.

I hate being cranky.
When I skip breakfast and grit my teeth,
When I stub my toe and fume,
When I know I hit that curb,
But all I wanted was you NOT to mention it.

I hate being a bitch.
I don’t want to snap at you.
I don’t want to hurt your feelings.
I don’t want to be on edge all the time.
I don’t want to put you through this,
Yet here you are.

Here where I forget to appreciate you.
Here where I dismiss your effort.
Here where I lack gratitude.
Here where I can’t hide my expressions,
Where you see through my face,
Where you see the intentions in me.
And yet, you love me.
You excuse me.
You take care of me and forgive me.

No one deserves to be loved like this.
No one deserves to be subjected to the cost,
When our loved one is a bad person.
When I fail to be kind.
When I can give every excuse in the world,
But all I can do is drop my hands,
Stop their wringing and worry,
Sigh from my toes,
And apologize.
Again.
And Again.
And Again.

You say you are proud of me.
You say it’s okay and I’m too hard on myself.
You say you only want me to be happy.
And you still say I’m a good daughter.

We can never deserve how our mothers often love us.
In spite of ourselves.