8.16.2023 - Overactive, Sleepless, & Anxious

8.16.2023
Overactive, Sleepless, & Anxious

I have to be up in 4 hours,
So, of course, I'm wide awake.
My eyes betray me.
My foot rocks the bed with such force,
I think my dog is getting seasick.
I turn like overdone pancakes,
Rubbery and fraught with disappointment.
Tomorrow is a busy day.
Hours in the car,
A serene tour of assorted fishes.
Am I excited or anxious?
I'm always swaddled in anxiety,
Usually, I sleep anyway,
Sleeping the sleep of the restless damned.
But tonight, my ceiling mocks me,
And I think of you,
And I wonder what you think of me.
You who are fascinating in all the ways I desire.
I can talk to you for hours,
Probe that insightful mind,
Books to read and write.
uch compelling shared interests.
But are you compelled?
Perhaps intrigued?
There's odd history there,
And I know not how to proceed.
My brain churns and frets,
Worrying at the questions,
Like a tongue rocking a loose molar.
I don't want to be tired.
I want to be scintillating and magnetic.
But I can only be myself.
My skin is far too tight to change it.
I hope such hopes,
But I should know better by now.
My cracks may be gilded,
But they still mar my surface.
Half-baked kintsugi wobbling and still mending.
So who can I be but me?
I am many adjectives,
Both bright and dark and all shades grey.
So I will lie here,
Close my eyes,
Try to rein in my runaway brain.
Count each breath in and out,
And try to find a still center.
Or, failing that, I'll meet the early dawn,
Bleary-eyed and coffee bound,
And make my way to where you now sleep.
Perhaps you'll one day dream of me.
The tiny torch I bear,
Seems ill-advised at best.
Still, it's my light to choose,
And hidden, it remains ambiguous.
Just like tomorrow,
And like the patiently waiting fish,
Neither here nor there,
And never free.